


Oh God, I Don't Even Know

by ThroughTheTulips



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M, grandmas are definitely sexier, this is all Robin's fault blame him, tony stark is a little shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-12 23:13:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5684878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThroughTheTulips/pseuds/ThroughTheTulips
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It started as a joke. Not a joke, not exactly, but maybe a dare. Either way, it wasn’t meant to be a serious thing.</p><p>AKA</p><p>The one where the fic summary describes both the fic and the writing of it. Deepest apologies to my grandmother (and yours).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oh God, I Don't Even Know

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The_Silent_Q](https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Silent_Q/gifts).



> This is all Robin's fault and you should all blame him. He made me do it, he just kept saying these THINGS and I couldn't stop laughing and he even named it and look, I'm just really sorry. 
> 
> That's my main point. I'm really, really sorry.

It started as a joke. Not a joke, not exactly, but maybe a dare. Either way, it wasn’t meant to be a serious thing.

It’s not even like Steve was sensitive about Bucky. He’d been in the 21st century long enough to know people didn’t care about bisexuality anymore, and honestly it was a relief not to worry he was replacing Peggy or something. He was happy sharing his suite at the Tower, happy waking up next to his oldest friend and newest love, just plain _happy_ for the first time in a while. Life was good.

Tony Stark, though- Tony could make a saint curse.

The team was unwinding after an especially tedious mission. There hadn’t been a fight even, just a lot of sneaking and waiting and sneaking again. After the debriefing Bucky headed downstairs to let Vision vacuum the sand from his arm (he still refused to let Tony so much as touch it). The rest of them wound up eating Thai food in the den while trading increasing improbable stories about their most boring missions ever.

As usual, it was only a matter of time until Tony started in on Steve.

“All I’m _saying_ ,” he said around a mouthful of pad kee mao, “is that things were different back in the Closeted Ages. They didn’t have, you know, the _internet_.”

“They’re big boys,” Natasha told him, leaning forward to steal a fried wonton from his plate. “I’m sure they’ve figured things out.”

Tony waved his chopsticks dismissively. “Oh, I’m sure they figured out Tab A, Slot B, but it’s probably the most boring sex in history. ‘Pardon me, captain, would you care to indulge in intercourse this evening?’ ‘Certainly, sergeant, but of course we’ll have to shower directly after or we’ll spoil the linen.’”

“I wouldn’t call role-playing boring,” Barton put in from the kitchen. Steve, who’d been trying to ignore the ribbing, shot him a betrayed look, and the archer shrugged. “I’m trying to stick up for you, Cap. I’m sure you’ve got lots of kinks.”

“Kinks,” Tony scoffed. “Grandpas don’t have kinks.” He raised his eyebrows at Steve, all innocence. “Sorry, Rogers, didn’t mean to assume. Are you the Grandpa or the Grandma here?”

That was enough. Steve stood, grabbed the plate he’d fixed for Bucky, and headed for the door. “All right, you’ve had your fun. I’m gonna turn in.”

“No, wait, these are important issues,” his not-so-friend called after him. “Because grandmas are arguably way less sexy. What about-” He broke off with a yelp as Natasha poured her soup in his lap. “Watch it, Romanov, this is _silk_. Someone grab me a towel- no, Barton, not Thor’s cape, he just went to the bathroom-”

The rest faded out as Steve closed the door behind him, but he couldn’t close off the memory. Stark’s sly teasing ate at him the more he thought about it. He knew about sex. He knew some, anyway, and Bucky’s astounding repertoire made up for anything he lacked. They’d done things Steve didn’t know the words for, things that made him blush to remember. Even better, they didn’t have to work to make things special. The smallest thing could bring a speculative gleam to Bucky’s eye. Steve could be wearing a tutu and galoshes and Bucky would-

Steve stopped mid-step as the idea hit him.

It was brilliant. Inspired, really. It would help him shake off Tony’s ridiculous heckling, make Bucky laugh like an idiot, and end in the kind of fast sweaty sex they needed after a week of celibacy. Steve made a quick detour to drop off the Thai, casually suggested Vision do the full hour-long arm diagnostic Bucky had been avoiding, and went in search of a cab.

He only had twenty minutes until the thrift shop closed.

 

Bucky punched his code into their lock, not bothering to hide his scowl. He hated when people handled The Arm. It was a necessity, especially if he wanted to be an Avenger, but watching someone touch it without _feeling_ anything gave him the willies. He just wanted to curl up on the couch with his boyfriend and zone out in front of Scream Queens. Maybe if he made sad eyes at Steve he could get a backrub or…

His brain stopped as he opened the door.

First of all, their living room was… _weird_. Someone had put plastic covers on the sofa, and doilies dotted the coffee table. The antique radio, usually by their bed, played big band music from beside the couch. A portrait of cats was displayed on the television, almost as if it hung on their wall, and small figurines rested on every flat surface. There was a faceted glass bowl full of candies dead center on the largest doily. A sweet smell drifted in from the kitchen, where he could hear Steve humming.

Something turned over slowly in Bucky’s stomach. He moved towards the kitchen as if in a dream, afraid to picture what he might find there.

He should have known.

Captain fucking America stood at the stove in a faded blue floral dress, the kind his Nana used to wear, buttoned up with a cloth belt. Thick stockings covered the stretch of leg between the low hem and the heavy sensible shoes. A curled blonde wig- Jesus, he’d streaked it with gray- covered his hair. As he turned in greeting, Bucky saw the careful makeup and wireframe glasses. It was like 1940 all over again.

Steve smirked at him, red lips curving just a little before he schooled his expression to one of concern. “Hello, dear. My, you look like you’ve had a long day. Why don’t you sit down and let Grandma fix you a snack?”

This was- was this actually happening? “A… snack?”

“I’ve made cookies.” Steve gestured with a flourish to the flowered plate covered in chocolate chip cookies. They looked- shit, they were still _warm_. The man gave them a satisfied look before turning back to Bucky. “Would you like some milk with those?” His voice dropped a suggestive octave. “Unless, of course, you want something a little more… filling.”

Bucky’s whole body flushed. Before he could stop himself he blurted, “Who told?”

Steve went still.

Bucky cursed, realizing how angry he sounded, and went on in a rush, “I mean thanks, this has got to be so far out of your comfort zone and I would never- I don’t expect you to do _everything_ I want, and it was just a- Stark hacked my PornHub, didn’t he? Because FRIDAY swore that was private and no one could see what I searched and it’s not like I thought Nana was, you know, just that was the only time anyone’s ever taken care of me before you and-”

Something changed in Steve’s face. The smirk was gone, and his expression was infinitely tender. “Stop,” he said, gentle but firm. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Buck.”

The shorter man waved weakly at the kitsch festooning their living room. “Not even this?”

“After everything we’ve been through, you think a grandma kink is going to chase me off?” Steve teased. He took his partner’s face in both hands and pressed a kiss to his forehead, then wrapped him in a hug. He smelled like flowery mothballs and Ben-Gay. “With you ‘til the end of the line, remember?”

 They stood there for what seemed like a long time. Bucky couldn’t quite believe he’d gotten this lucky. He kept expecting Steve to laugh, to say it had all been a joke and he was just playing around, but the moment never came. Steve just kissed his head again and said, “I can change if you want.”

Bucky hesitated, then let his gaze slide over to the cookies. They looked awfully good. “I dunno. You already baked.”

“I opened a tube of dough. We can try again later if this- if it’s not the way you wanted it.”

It was too perfect an opening. Bucky bit his lip, peering up through his eyelashes. “Maybe your tube was exactly what I wanted.”

 

Later, when they were both exhausted and sweaty and had Ben Gay places it should never be, Steve spared a moment to reflect that he didn’t care at all what Tony Stark said.

Grandmas were definitely sexier.

**Author's Note:**

> For anyone wondering, this is the dress Steve is wearing.  
> http://www.alicemariebeard.com/genealogy/paternal/mgb/photos/5.htm


End file.
